This ought to provide some help to you composers and lyricists that have been looking for assistance in the creative department. Can't remember where I got it and I ain't responsible for the contents.
Cheers!
HOW TO SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
Being a Brit, I feel a bit disingenuous when singing blues that refer to a geographical location - well, that's if it's Mississippi or Memphis.
I was on my way to a jam last week and thinking about doing 'Got My Mojo Working'. I felt a bit daft about singing 'Went down to Louisianna...' I come from Croydon in South East London. So, I cooked up this:
Went down to Croydon centre just to see what I could see There weren't one single woman who'd take a single look at me I've got my mojo working, etc
I never got round to doing it, but I'd lay a penny to the pound that if you keep your lyrics relevant to your audience, you'll get a few more claps/laughs. ---------- 'If it sounds GOOD to you, it's bitchen; if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's shitty' - Frank Zappa
dfwdlg, Saw that a while ago and its still as funny now.
But I got to say, you sure can have the Blues in Canada....
Middle of February here in 100 feet of snow. It so damn cold I can't even get up to go. Gotta' shovel that driveway for the third time today and it ain't even noon yet and my back says NO WAY.
Got the north-o-49 blues, got the north-o-49 blues, got the north-o-49 blues cause I got frozen soles in my shoes.
Now that's the Canadian Blues !!! ---------- "Keep it in your mouth" - XHarp
Finding a place to play harp ain't easy in Japan...
Going down to Yokohama with my harp case in my hand Going down to Yokohama with my harp case in my hand I ain't looking for pretty women Got to find myself a band...
(Got my B flat working, but it just ain't working on you...)
1. Start out with something you say when talking about a little kid (eg. little, sonny, kid, junior, boy)
2. Add your nickname or shortened name
3. Add "son" to the end of your last name (unless it already ends with son, in which case you're set) ---------- "Without music, life would be a mistake" -Nietzsche
Hey guys, My Bluesman stock just rose a bit coz my thick as shit dog ran into a central heating radiator and burst her right eye ball so it's gettin removed next week, This is shitty luck for the dog but great for my image coz now i have a one eyed dawg!, Sadly she ain't called Blue though, (Actually she's called rusty coz of her russet red fur), But you can't have everything!
Settings such as this are blues-appropriate... the parts you don't see in the clip is where Andy refuses to play cause he's sleeping off a drunk and only agrees to play for the radio show when the jailer says he'll let him out of jail if he does.
The story about the above guitar is a good blues guitar story. They needed a guitar for the movie, so they got a Martin D-18, a fine guitar that the set designer folks spray painted black and gussied up with cheap sequins. After the movie was done shooting, Andy stole the guitar, spent about a week getting all the paint off and had the guitar fully restored (minus the pickguard). You see that guitar a lot in the Andy Griffith SHow, it's one of two he played on the show, it's the one he plays WITHOUT the pickguard.
Last Edited by on Jul 10, 2009 6:48 AM
