geordiebluesman
197 posts
Jul 21, 2009
7:37 AM
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Hi Harpers, I just found this verse i wrote a while back and thought some of you more broad minded guys might find it funny, It's got betrayel,murder bestiality and buggery in it so it can't possibly fail to offend someone, Enjoy!The Terrible Tale of Rattlesnake Jones
and that Black-Hearted Pete
This is the story of Rattlesnake Jones his blood was pure whisky
Lead shot filled his bones
The lies that he told were the worst ever heard
And his rancid breath stank like a prairie dogs turd
His best friends were Jim Beam and good ol’ Jack D
When the good times were rollin you knew that those three
Were singing and cussin and rollin the dice
And getting the better of every damn vice
In bar rooms and back rooms those two called the shots
Dropped Rattlesnake Jones into endless tight spots
Caught cheating at poker or stealing his liquor
If dumb needed doing, drunk Jones did it quicker
And Rattlesnake Jones had a partner named Pete
A dirtier scumbag a man couldn’t meet
He’d steel from a blind man, and lie to a nun
Told ten thousand tales of the dark deeds he’d done
His teeth were as black as the heart in his chest
He’d take your last penny then search for the rest
But Rattlesnake Jones thought that Pete was his mate
And that’s the mistake that would soon seal their fate
Now Rattlesnake Jones had a secret desire
For a showgirl whose looks set his trousers on fire
Though she wasn’t the slimmest of girls he could love
Jones thought that this lard arse was sent from above
She danced every night in ‘The Gunslinger’s Arms’
In a tight skimpy outfit that showed off her charms
And each night he stood there and watched those high kickers
And preyed for the failure of Lilly’s tit-knickers!
He longed to be near her and gaze in her eyes
And stroke his rough hands up her titanic thighs
But he hadn’t the courage to make her his wife
And the pain pricked his heart like the tip of a knife
But Black Hearted Pete wasn’t shy in that way
Said he had a new girlfriend most every day
And even though he wasn’t fond of the fatties
Big Lil’s massive mammaries fair boiled his tatties
So Black Hearted Pete hatched a terrible plan
To steal Jones’ true love and bury the man
His guns and his holster, his boots and his hat
His horse and his saddle – he’d have all of that.
“It won’t take too much to put Jones in the frame
I can leave the odd clue and then blacken his name
The Sheriff will cop-it and Jonesy will swing
And I’ll give Big Lilly a gold wedding ring”
A gambler at heart he thought, “double or quits
I can bump off the Sheriff in a manner that fits
A tale I’ll start spreading ‘bout Rattlesnake Jones
How he hates the poor Sheriff right down to his bones”
So all around town Pete went spreading the lie
That Jonesy had told him the Sheriff must die
And being Black Hearted he weaseled and lied
And took them for cash with a bet on the side
“I’ll wager the Sheriff will cop it tomorrow”
Said Black Hearted Pete with his head bowed in sorrow
“And Rattlesnake told me it’s gonna be cruel
He’ll sure show the Sheriff that he ain’t no fool”
So early next morning Pete sneaked round the back
Of the Sheriff’s log cabin and planned his attack
And decided to strike while his quarry was sittin
With his pants round his boots in the outside bog – shittin!
He sneaked up behind him his hand to his nose
Something smelled really strong, and it sure weren’t a rose
And he sent him to heaven both startled and bitter
Coz the last breath he drew in life stank of the shitter!!
As the Sheriff lay dying Pete knew what to do
To drop poor old Rattlesnake right in the poo
So he placed on the cold ground a book bound in black
With Rattlesnake’s name written clear cross the back
“Good riddance to rubbish” he said with a sneer
Secure in the knowledge that no one would hear
But there in the pasture with sweat on his brow
A sad lonely farmer was shaggin his cow!!
By mid-day the news of the killin had spread
The folks were appalled that the Sheriff was dead
With a knife in his back they had found him right there
With his face in the dirt and his arse in the air!
They swore in a posse, a lynch mob got millin
As poor frightened Rattlesnake’s trousers were fillin
Holed up in the stable accused of the killin
Convinced that his life’s blood was soon to be spillin
Right into the stable the angry mob bust
And beat up poor Rattlesnake there in the dust
Then dragged him outside through the horse shit and straw
To cuss him and kick him and punch him some more
The next thing he knew there was rope at his throat
His bodily fluids were forming a moat!
His horse it was jumpy, the noose it was itchin
And Rattlesnake’s bum-hole was sweatin and twitchin
Then into the town square came “Muck Spreader Mick”
With his strange country ways and cow dung on his dick
With his favourite cow Daisy right there by his side
In her stepping out bonnet and make-up applied
“Now hold up there people” the cow shagger cried
“I can say for a fact that the scumbag Pete lied
T’weren’t Rattlesnake Jones’ hand that wielded the knife
It was Pete; and I saw him whilst shaggin the wife”
The crowd fell to silence, aghast at the news
Some coughed out their ciggies or dropped pints of booze
Then all of a sudden they let out a cry
“Get Black Hearted Pete and we’ll string him up high”
They dragged the swine out of ‘The Gunslinger’s Arms’
Where Pete was perusing Big Lil’s ample charms
And locked him up good in the jail for the night
To chew on his cracked nails and ponder his plight
Old Rattlesnake Jones meanwhile sat feelin mad
He’d pay back the swine and it had to be bad
Then he had an idea and searched through the mob
Till he spotted the Marshall and asked for a job
That night in his jail cell Pete lay on his bed
He was tied up face down and he hadn’t been fed
But what had him sweatin and shaking with fear
Was the new Sheriff asking if he was a queer
His cell door creaked open he cursed his mistake
Cos the sheriff was holding his big trouser snake
And the fear he was feelin ran right to his bones
Coz the man stood behind him was Rattlesnake Jones!
So Pete got well-shafted and Jones got a job
He married Big Lilly and made a few bob
By telling the story to the man on the street
Of Rattlesnake Jones and that Black Hearted Pete.
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Oisin
286 posts
Jul 21, 2009
10:31 AM
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Geordie...this is excellent and gives a great insite into your warped northern soul....similar to my own.
It reminds me a little of the song Stagger Lee by Nick Cave and the bad seeds. The only problem would be you would need a set of lungs like Big LIl to be able to sing it all and throw in a few harp solos as it's that long....but I wouldn't go shortening it.
Nice one
Oisin
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GermanHarpist
528 posts
Jul 21, 2009
3:36 PM
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Awesome! Funny as hell.
" betrayel, murder bestiality and buggery " a blues tale gotta have what a blues tale gotta have... :)
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germanharpist, harpfriends on Youtube
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scstrickland
131 posts
Jul 21, 2009
6:49 PM
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Put this to music and post it on youtube!
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tookatooka
313 posts
Jul 22, 2009
2:52 AM
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Hey Geordiebluesman, you can really tell a good tale in verse. That must have taken some doing. Great.
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When I'm not blowing, I'm drawing.
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geordiebluesman
199 posts
Jul 23, 2009
6:22 AM
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Hi guys, Thanx for the big up, I never know if the stuff i write is any good coz i write a lot of stuff like this and normally just read it to the wife and she's heard it all before so i don't get much of a reaction. This verse actually popped into my head pretty much fully formed after reading an article about Ronnie Van Zant and i had to run to a post office and buy a note book and pen because i did'nt have my note book with me, The poems that come out of the blue and fully formed are always the best ones and i was laughing my head off in the post office as i wrote it down coz it was sort of the first time i had head it! Is that wierd or what?
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GermanHarpist
534 posts
Jul 23, 2009
3:46 PM
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Keep the stuff coming. Slap a copyright on there so that everybody knows it's your work but please post em on the forum... I'd be HAPPY to give you some feedback.
I actually tried to mix it up with some harp, but with no result. However, I had so much fun reciting the poem for myself, that I did it a couple of times, just like this... with no harp. never happened to me before.
"... and i was laughing my head off in the post office as i wrote it down... " weird, no. but funny! I wish I had that literary talent.
Keep it coming! For the next harpfriends contest we should mix the harp with some singing - and use one of your texts...
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germanharpist, harpfriends on Youtube
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geordiebluesman
207 posts
Jul 27, 2009
11:51 AM
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Cheers GH, I did'nt actually post this for anyone to try to put it to music cos it's a verse not a lyric but thanx for trying. Actually i recon it could possibly work as a monologue in the country and western style with some geetar and harp, Maybe if Oldwailer finds this thread he might put his top finger pickin skills to use and make that dream come true!
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