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Dirty-South Blues Harp forum: wail on! >
rules for the blues
rules for the blues
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Hobostubs Ashlock
257 posts
Jan 02, 2010
1:54 PM
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saw this thought it was cool
Music Humor - Rules Of The Blues
back to Music Humor Page
Author unkown. (Wish we knew, 'cause it's really funny)
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
21. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
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nacoran
653 posts
Jan 02, 2010
2:27 PM
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I have to disagree. I think Tiger Woods almost certainly has the blues right now.
I also suspect you can have the blues on a small plane, as long as it crashes and you die.
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Hobostubs Ashlock
258 posts
Jan 02, 2010
2:42 PM
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yea i think it was wrote a while back
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Delta Dirt
78 posts
Jan 02, 2010
5:36 PM
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I got the blues reading about the Old Black Joe and every bodies square headed freaking opinions!
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Hobostubs Ashlock
260 posts
Jan 02, 2010
5:56 PM
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Lol
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rabbit
72 posts
Jan 03, 2010
2:37 AM
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FYI: can't have the blues on a 'west-bound train.'
That's a dead man in hobo parlance.
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mankycodpiece
61 posts
Jan 03, 2010
10:06 AM
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the best laugh i've had for a while.
it's worth printing up and putting someplace on the wall.
delta,you'd probably be better off not reading those kind of threads,and neither will i.
Last Edited by on Jan 03, 2010 10:07 AM
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snakes
425 posts
Jan 03, 2010
11:27 AM
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I gotta chime in for the people from Seattle. We get like 10 months of rain. It doesn't rain hard every day, but it is gray and ugly most of the time. Clinical depression prone - yes. Blues? Well, we get a lot of floods too - does that count? Oh yeah, we got a gal named Heather (Heather Banker) who sings the blues. LOL! All true tho.'
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Honkin On Bobo
98 posts
Jan 03, 2010
11:37 AM
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I got the blues reading comments from the people who got their panties in a wad over the song "Old Black Joe".
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geordiebluesman
250 posts
Jan 03, 2010
3:16 PM
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joanne shaw taylor sure as shit does sing the blues and plays like a mother******!so i would like to moot that the name joanne be henceforth accepted as a cool blues moniker
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Hobostubs Ashlock
263 posts
Jan 03, 2010
3:26 PM
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yea i made a copy i thought i would give it to a guitar player friend of mine,he hates the blues,but hes the type that if the guitar plays a 7th chord of any type its the blues no matter what the progression lol he'll get a kick out of it
Last Edited by on Jan 03, 2010 3:27 PM
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