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Dirty-South Blues Harp forum: wail on! >
an open letter to the forum
an open letter to the forum
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kudzurunner
937 posts
Jan 11, 2010
7:31 AM
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All:
There's been somewhat more interpersonal friction than normal on this forum over the past couple of weeks, and I'd prefer that it not continue. I can't say I'm surprised--or dismayed. To say that I'm dismayed would suggest that I was still in the thrall of a residual innocence or naivete and am soooooooooooooo upset with people who just won't behave. But the truth is, I've spent much of my life around blues people. Blues people aren't always rational, respectful, or nice. They often have fragile egos. They often act out. They often cultivate grievances, and milk them. I have certainly behaved this way myself for long swaths of my past, although I don't do it nearly as much these days as I used to.
After my sort-of heart attack in March 2000, I realized that I needed a sort of spiritual reset. I did a lot of reading and became, for a while, a sort of Pilgrim Boy of the New Age. That's a caricature, but there's a grain of truth in it. I lost interest in the blues--or rather, I completely lost the ability to lose myself fully and unconsciously in the blues passions--all the ugly, obsessive, spiteful, ego-driven stuff. I stumbled into a book called A COURSE IN MIRACLES, and I began reading a lot of Tibetan Buddhist literature. It became obvious to me that a lot of my problems were of my own making. I did my best to take responsibility for my own fears, my own anger, and my own projections.
By projections, I mean the fact that we tend to accuse people of precisely the things that we are trying hardest to disown in ourselves. A good example of this might be somebody on this board who fumes publicly that somebody else has insulted them, has gotten personal, is destroying the board with their bad behavior, etc. Person B (the "insulted") is so resentful and angry at Person A that he, in turn, insults Person A. When he does this, he's behaving just like Person A. In fact, he's allowing Person A's bad behvior to bring out the worst in him. My question is, Why would a normally good-tempered person like Person B allow Person A so much control over his moods? When you ask that question, you realize that Person B is in fact NOT a good-tempered person, but an angry person who was waiting, albeit unconsciously, for a chance to act out. Person A simply gave him the excuse.
We've got a surprising number of Person B's on this forum. Actually, there's nothing surprising about that, and so I have misspoken.
One Buddhist principle that intrigues me is the Tonglen prescription, "Drive all blame into oneself." In other words, when Person A has insulted you, you might choose to apologize, or merely say nothing, as a gracious way of backing away and letting Person A marinate in their own anger. What tends to happen when you do this is that Person A finds somebody else to mess with. We're not, after all, always required to defend ourselves against insane or temporarily deranged people. We're allowed to feel compassion for people who are so unhappy with their lives that they keep looking for chances to dump on other people.
Brag about the things you do badly and say little about the things you do well. I've always liked that maxim, too.
One phrase that shows up in Tibetan Buddhism, at least as laid out by Pema Chodron, is "shenpa." Shenpa means "hooked." Is there somebody on this board whose posts fill you with rage? That tightness in your chest, that passion that fills you to respond and GET BACK AT THEM? That is shenpa. They did their thing; you immediately responded to it, like a lab rat. You've been hooked. They got you. Or rather, you ALLOWED them to get you. Because one always has a choice of how to respond.
Trust me, I have a choice of how to respond to the madness on this forum. Several times I have wanted, for a long moment, to simply shut down the board for a day and yell "Please STOP!"
But I keep breathing, ignore my first desire, resist the pull of shenpa.....and then, sometimes, I chuckle. I think, Hey, they're behaving badly. So? A week from now, this particular thread--whichever thread has hooked me, evoked MY rage--will be past history. A year from now it will be forgotten, along with all the petty charges and countercharges, the insulting words, etc.
We all get hooked. We have a choice, though, always, of how to respond.
I don't blame blues people for getting hooked. That's what the blues is, or are. We're here, most of us, because we resonate with that approach to life. So I don't get surprised or disillusioned with y'all when you behave badly. You might try a little harder from time to time, though, not to get hooked quite so badly, quite so quickly.
Whenever you recognize and point fingers at flaws in other people, please remember: you recognize them, and jump on them with such passionate intensity, because you've got those same flaws bubbling around inside you and you haven't forgiven yourself for them, yet. People who truly love themselves don't get much pleasure from raging at, or merely hectoring, the bad behavior of other people.
If I truly loved myself, I wouldn't have to edge this little sermon with bits of implied criticism, would I? Have I hooked you yet?
Still, you've always got a choice of how to respond. I've always thought that the mark of a hero was the capacity to smile, bow, and walk away from trouble, rather than feuding with it. It's a good goal to work towards, in any case.
I could sign this "Peace," but that would be snarky and I hate snarky, self-righteous people. :)
Last Edited by on Jan 11, 2010 7:33 AM
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Rick Davis
60 posts
Jan 11, 2010
7:44 AM
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Noted, Adam. I'll be nicer...
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-Rick Davis
Blues Harp Amps Blog
Roadhouse Joe Blues Band
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toddlgreene
416 posts
Jan 11, 2010
7:47 AM
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Good post, Adam. It's easy to get caught up in non-positive and non-constructive posts on here. As we teach our kids, 'two wrongs don't make a right' and 'if someone says something to insult you, they're only words, so ignore them'. I for one will follow my own advice. I am only responsible for my own actions, after all.
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Honkin On Bobo
154 posts
Jan 11, 2010
7:53 AM
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A great rubrick for success in living a mentally healthy life. I intend to incorporate it into my life while maintaining my passion for the blues.
Wait, does that make me a ...blueddist?
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saregapadanisa
53 posts
Jan 11, 2010
8:16 AM
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"we tend to accuse people of precisely the things that we are trying hardest to disown in ourselves". You're speaking my mind, Adam. That's not only a guideline for this forum but also for any indvidual interaction, and anywhere in real life. Would racism exist if there were not that fear of strangeness within ourselves, would homophobia exist if there not that fear of the feminity within...
Even if a problem arise with someone, first thing is to ask oneself what can I do in terms of personal behaviour. And for a good reason : myself is where I can act and make decisions.
I have spent lot of my time in Asia (mainly India, but yes, have been to Tibet too), and consider myself well versed (both books and experience) in asian philosophy and ways of thinking and interacting.
Although I'm not at all the religious kind, I find a lesson here. Ego driven relations lead nowhere. And yes, smiling and bowing are the best expression of generosity. Kindness to stranger.
You can't lie with your own behaviour and, believe it or not, Adam, I already knew that much about you before reading it.
I'm rather new here, but was also put off by these recent posts. Still I find this forum a wonderful company.
Thanks for these considerations, Adam. These may seem off-topic for certain, but not quite for many of us.
Just on thing : you may have read a little too much tibetan stuff... ;-)
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mickil
813 posts
Jan 11, 2010
8:28 AM
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I share you thoughts here, Adam. Though, I might not have expressed them as well.
I, very likely, will face a person A for real on Friday, and have been rehearsing in my mind a similar line of thought to that which you are advocating.
It's easier on here though, where we have the time to think before responding, or not responding, as the case may be.
I must admit that, over the last few days, I have tired of the board a little: in this case, I'm person C; though, I have been guilty of being A or B in the past. Frequent exposure to this sort of thing does get to be a bit boring. Nevertheless, I think that there are enough quality contributors on here to keep this site the excellent resource that it usually is.
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YouTube SlimHarpMick a.k.a. HarmonicaMick
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Hobostubs Ashlock
294 posts
Jan 11, 2010
8:41 AM
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I myself have been thrown a lot of curve balls this last decade as we all have in our own way,I tried mainstream religion,and witchraft,and just plain,messing up,I have gotten clean off hard drugs the last 5 years and that helps,but i still have my troubles ,i had to get my ulcels cartilized last week,cause i was bleeding out parts of the body i shouldnt,But the one Book that was givin to me that has helped,and i put it down for awile but decided i should get back to reading it is The Promise of a new day (a book of daily meditations) filled with daily thoughts and quotes that have helped me out alot,I know every ones different and this might not be a persons cup of tea but it helps me,Im a friendly person filled with rage at myself and the world,I try not to expresss negatism online much though,its kinda my escape from reality,Although sometimes my quirks can be mistaken i mean no harm ill say it peace and harp on fellow harpsters.
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waltertore
88 posts
Jan 11, 2010
9:02 AM
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thanks for sharing that Adam. I can relate to your journey in spades. Without going into detail, I can sum up life very simply- whatever it is we need to get at peace with will continue to raise its head in everything we do, until we address it, forgive it, accept it, and let it go. The older I get the easier it is to surrender to these things and come to peace. Heck, we are all just preparing to die. That is all that is a guarantee on this earth. I am trying to prepare myself to die in peace. Walter
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walter tore's spontobeat - a real one man band and over 1 million spontaneously created songs and growing.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=157137
http://www.youtube.com/user/waltertore
Last Edited by on Jan 11, 2010 9:08 AM
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walterharp
175 posts
Jan 11, 2010
9:39 AM
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hmm adam, kind of like having a kid who is acting out?
i will be a bit contrarian here. i am involved in several other boards, some of them are very civil, and you make good personal connections, but without some of the friction, there is less generation of meaningful content.
the personal attacks bother me, but then i just jump out of the thread when that happens.
the problem is when the flames get hot enough that good people quit the whole board, guess that is the job of the moderators.
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nacoran
774 posts
Jan 11, 2010
12:22 PM
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Walterharp- I agree in some ways. I think to important things are two important things to go along with that.
Don't get personal. Argue all you want but keep it about what you are arguing about. Read and respect and realize not everyone will agree with you. Sometimes trying to find the common ground that you do agree on in an issue helps make the rest of it seem like less of a big deal.
Don't spread the anger to other threads. Your right, you can just leave a thread if it's frustrating you, but that makes it doubly important that people don't take an argument to another thread.
People with different ideas will believe differently. If you have a group of engineers in a room they will try to solve a problem one way. If you have a group of artists in a room they will try to solve it another way. My money is on the third room that has a few of each, even if they argue a bit about it, as long as they respect each others' points of view.
Adam- Thanks for this letter, and if anyone catches me being either A or B give me a boot to the head. (I know a couple times off the top of my head I've been a B.) Sometimes, in the moment you lose sight of the bigger picture.
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GermanHarpist
936 posts
Jan 11, 2010
12:37 PM
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I've read these wise words on another forum:
"If you're angry about something, reread the post you're about to send twice ... and then delete it."
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germanharpist on YT. =;-) - Resonance is KEY!
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pharpo
63 posts
Jan 11, 2010
1:18 PM
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HOB --- like it ! Blueddist - GREAT
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Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art. - Charlie Parker
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XHarp
247 posts
Jan 11, 2010
1:35 PM
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Nice letter. Well said. I wonder how many people are easier hooked on the PC then in real life?
I mean it is easier to hide, even long term tennants here, behind the keyboard then face to face.
We need to all get together over some BBQ and Beers. Now that's got me hooked.
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"Keep it in your mouth" - XHarp
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Honkin On Bobo
160 posts
Jan 11, 2010
1:48 PM
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XHarp,
HA!....Blues, BBQ and Beer......now that's somethin' I can get into.
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congaron
419 posts
Jan 11, 2010
2:19 PM
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Opinions will always vary. When an individual states "mine is right, your's is wrong" I think of numerous scenarios. There are always some, or at least one that proves the above declaration to be untrue when opinions are involved. Not talking math here, or scientific proven discovery.
Usually opinions like these deal with human relations, driven by individual experience. Since no individual has truly experienced everything, even within a topic, I feel sweeping generalizations cause more arguments than anything else. Somebody makes one, somebody else has experienced the opposite, states it...the original poster gets offended.
So, Here's my personal rule:
Being offended requires an individual's permisssion. That is, I must permit you to offend me. You must permit me to offend you.
Simple denial of this permission has been a very worthwile pursuit for me.
Any group will have individuals who differ by 180 degrees on something. The personal decision not to be offended is a great start for me in reading opinions and choosing if I should respond...and if so, how to respond.
Last Edited by on Jan 11, 2010 2:20 PM
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jawbone
215 posts
Jan 11, 2010
2:28 PM
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OK - You have my permission to be offended (Not sure if I got that right)
OK - so Person A and Person B and Person C walk into a bar....
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What'll ya have and what's your IQ" guys says "210 and I'll have a beer". So while he gets him a beer they discuss Quantum physics & Einstiens theory in great length.
Next guy comes in, bartender says "what'll ya have and what's your IQ" guy says "100 and I'll have a beer" so while he's getting his beer they discuss Baseball and Nascar.
Next guy walk's in, bartender asks "what'll ya have and what's your IQ" guy says "I think it's 50 and I'll have a beer" Bartender says "So, how long have you been playing harmonica?"
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If it ain't got harp - it ain't really blues!!!!
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scrybe314
51 posts
Jan 11, 2010
2:40 PM
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Jawbone: Two drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff. Ba-dum-tish!
Q.) What's the range on a diatonic harmonica?
A.) Thirty yards easy if you've got a good arm.
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jawbone
216 posts
Jan 11, 2010
2:40 PM
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Hey Honkin' - yer faster at that than my drummer!!!
;-)
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If it ain't got harp - it ain't really blues!!!!
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Randy G. Blues
130 posts
Jan 11, 2010
3:13 PM
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A difference of opinion is: "I think doing it that way is stupid because..."
A personal attack is: "You are stupid for doing it that way."
Plenty of room for the first. No tolerance for the second.
I use to live on alt.coffee and was consistently one of the top three posters there for quite some time (as in "years"). One miscreant showed up and pretty much ruined the group. He was so bad that there were folks looking to give him a beat down. Really. Sounds extreme, but he really did earn it. I met the scum at a show once, and he actually said to me, "Why don't we step outside?" He wasn't worth going to jail for. He wasn't worth spitting on.
No place for personal attacks, name calling, insults, etc., on this group, IMO... but then again, I am an a$$h^&* so what the f%$# does an idiot like me know?
;-)
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jonsparrow
1651 posts
Jan 11, 2010
4:05 PM
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you should have left him for dead in the ally. lol
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gene
352 posts
Jan 11, 2010
4:07 PM
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"A difference of opinion is: "I think doing it that way is stupid because..."
A personal attack is: "You are stupid for doing it that way."
Plenty of room for the first. No tolerance for the second."
The use of the word "stupid" in the first sentence implies it's use in the second sentence. A better approach would be "I prefer doing it (another) way because..."
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OzarkRich
74 posts
Jan 11, 2010
5:30 PM
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As this thread started with references to spiritual matters, here's a quote I received in an e-mail from Glenn Kaiser (of whom I recently uploaded some videos on YouTube of gospel blues, two songs featuring harp) which ties spirituality back to woodshedding:
"You will not see anyone who is really striving after advancement who is not given to spiritual reading. And as to the one who neglects it, the fact will soon be observed by their progress." -from an Easter letter by St. Athanasius
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Ozark Rich
http://www.youtube.com/user/OzarkRich
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=100000279894342
Last Edited by on Jan 11, 2010 6:12 PM
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Gwythion
55 posts
Jan 11, 2010
6:46 PM
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Thanks for those thoughts, Adam. And everyone else for your wisdom and jokes.
Better than aggro any day.
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apskarp
103 posts
Jan 12, 2010
12:40 AM
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Good post Adam,
While I don't think myself very religious person (in the sense of need for belief systems and organized religions) you could say I am a devout buddhist, or zen buddhist if you like. For me it means the questioning and wondering of this world and ultimately my self.
Buddha has said to say in his death-bed that he teached only two things: Suffering and the end of suffering. I think Blues has been dealing a lot with the Suffering, but not much with the End of it. Although you could say that blues itself is a way to deal with the suffering, with the Blues. I have certainly been able to put my feelings in a lyrics and melodies, which has eased them. It is a kind of therapeutic and constructive way to use the negative feelings inside and make something beautiful out of it!
This is s blues forum. Shouldn't we use the negative feelings of us to create Blues!? When somebody pisses you off I suggest you write a song about it. Play it with your harp and post IT to the forum. Tab it out or record a video. Don't waste your creative energy by writing an aggressive POSTS in the forum. Write a SONG.
This is the way of the true Bluddhist.
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snakes
432 posts
Jan 12, 2010
11:53 AM
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Thanks for the sage advice. I think these teachings can be applied no matter what your core belief as long as you hold your fellow man in high regard and live your life with the understanding that while we can somewhat empathize with other folks we can never really understand them fully - because we are not them. Granted it is not hard to understand a personal attack, but I try to embrace the notions of my viewpoint being potentially misunderstood or me potentially misunderstanding some facet of the offending poster's viewpoint. I've been a victim of my own anger in the past and my mantra now is "let me not be ashamed." Whether we agree with it or not I believe we bring a degree of shame upon ourselves when venting anger whether we recognize it or not. My aspiration is to take a negative event and somehow create a better or stronger relationship out of it rather than win an argument. I've had personal experiences where through a misunderstanding there has been the start of a confrontation that was handled civilly and ended up being the start of an improved relationship (versus ending in conflict where someone may end up leaving feeling victorious, but both individuals leave alienated). My 2 cents.
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GermanHarpist
951 posts
Jan 12, 2010
11:57 AM
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... I've never seen that fighting actually solved a problem ...
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germanharpist on YT. =;-) - Resonance is KEY!
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Hakan
8 posts
Jan 12, 2010
12:40 PM
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I think it´s good to have a moderator in this situation. To give the stupid person a warning and then throw him out if he repeats his behaviour. Bad behaviour is created when it is accepted.
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